I'm always dragging that horse around.

Something really weird happened to me today.

I had a minor but significant medical procedure involving several of my triggers (all of which are medical, all of which date to cancer treatment/surgery in my teens).

And I'm not triggered.

This is freaking me out in the best kind of way.

I tried to write a full accounting of what happened, to record it, but it turned out that describing it, making conscious the associations between what happened today and my prior experiences, was actually really upsetting. So I'm going to skip it. But the bullet points are:

• Leigh is really amazing at being grounding for me during this shit.
• I do not know how to categorize what happened while I was starting to feel sedated other than by saying that a nurse held me. Maybe she was holding me in position for something? I don't know, the point is, human contact.
• I said I was nervous. I explained why. I don't know if these particular nurses were particularly good at being calming, or if I'm the difference here, but, um. This was good.

I think these are tears of gratitude, and maybe overwhelmedness? I don't know. But, despite yesterday having been awful because of prep for the procedure, and feeling not entirely well again after it, today is a really good day.

Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine

I actually feel kind of amazing.